Going Home
by Alida Ravene Armstrong
Summary: Inspired by the last scenes of the fourth novel. Wataru is incredibly upset over Yuichi's apparent break up with him, and may find himself capable of doing something with permanent consequences.


**Going Home**

Inspired by the final scene of the fourth novel, although I haven't read the fourth or fifth novels as they have not been published in English yet. *cries* It's my first published fic in about ten years, so yeah, have pity on me. It's been a LONG time since I've written...A rather long one-shot, in some ways, but I'm too lazy to break it up. Oh well...Review please! :)

Warnings: Shonen Ai (not graphic), suicide attempt with mild images

Disclaimer: I do not own Yuichi or Wataru or any of Kannagi-sensei's other characters, as much as I would like to. I am just borrowing them for a bit and will put them back when I am done. :)

Enjoy!

* * *

_It's been three days,_ Wataru thought to himself. _Only three days, but it feels like a distant memory._ Since he had received the package, he hadn't heard a word from Yuichi. He had tried calling, texting, e-mailing, but nothing was getting through. Or it was being ignored. Wataru couldn't help but expect the latter.

Wataru didn't stir from his position in his bed. From his hiding place under the covers his dark eyes gazed at the tiny silver object in the palm of his hand. A simple silver band with a thin gold line running around the center. Covered with scratches and obviously well-worn, the ring felt cool against the palm of his hand.

_It feels cool because it has been abandoned,_ Wataru thought. Smirking to himself under the blanket, he clasped his hand around it. _We seem to have much in common_.

Three days it had been since his life had changed. Since he had received the ominous package with the cryptic letter and the treasured ring, he hadn't budged from his place in his room, hidden away from everything. Not his parents, not even Karin, had been able to persuade him to leave the darkened room. He reached over to the nightstand and pulled out the letter. As he had done thousands of times in the past couple of days, he allowed himself to be washed in the heart-breaking words.

_Wataru,_

_I could not speak to this matter with you over the phone. Contact in any other way than by letter has been impossible, and for that I am truly sorry._

_I will be remaining in the United States a little longer than we had originally planned. Mizuho is recovering well, and seems to be very encouraged by my presence here. At her request, I have decided to see to it that I am here until she has fully recovered. I hope you can understand._

_Seeing Mizuho in such danger these past few days and praying for her safety, they have made me think a great deal about the future. And about what the future holds for us. You and I face a somewhat unique situation. No matter our feelings for one another, we will never be understood, especially as it is now. It will create a truly unpleasant thing for us should we continue as we are._

_That is why I am enclosing the ring. My thoughts have led me to only one conclusion. I am sending you this as a consolation, and hoping that you can understand._

And that was that. Yuichi hadn't even bothered signing his name. The only way Wataru even knew he had sent the letter was by the careful too-perfect handwriting.

"The perfect Kazuki Yuichi…The cowardly bastard…" Wataru growled to himself. But he was more hurt than angry. He didn't understand. Yuichi had never seemed afraid of their situation before. So what if they were both guys? So what if they couldn't tell their parents? So far the only obstacle to their romance had been Yuichi's equally gorgeous older brother Shohei, but they had managed to overcome that so far, hadn't they?

"But I suppose that means it's not cowardly at all," Wataru whispered. Maybe Yuichi had finally realized he could not beat his older brother. Maybe he had given up. Now that he had reunited with Mizuho, maybe he had decided to live out his days as a "normal" man, have a "normal" family with "normal" kids and a "normal" dog. Maybe even a "miniature long-haired dachshund" like the one Yuichi's niece Takako was so fond of. Maybe Yuichi even thought that Wataru would be better off without him. Since Yuichi seemed to be unreachable, there was no way for him to find out.

"Or maybe I'm just like this ring," he finished. "Worn out and expendable." With those words, he made his decision. He removed his own ring from his ring finger and put both it and its mate in the pockets of the jeans he still had not removed from three days ago. He threw the covers back and stood up, suddenly dizzy from the lack of nourishment. He was tired of crying and doing nothing. It was time to take action.

"Wataru-chan!" Karin beamed when she saw her brother's apparition leaving his room. "You finally decided to come out of your room!" She began walking towards him with a freshly prepared plate, "And just in time for dinner! I made your favorite hoping it would entice you to come out, but…"

"I'm going out." Wataru cut her off. His eyes told Karin that he wanted to be left alone. She softened under the glare.

"Okay, but be careful! And for goodness sakes eat something!" She thrust a piece of buttered bread into the boy's hand. He looked down at it as if not recognizing what he was supposed to do with it. He continued walking towards the front door. Before shutting the door behind him he turned and looked at his sister. She was flustered that for once, she could not read his expression. It seemed simply blank and tired.

"Goodbye, Karin…" With that Wataru shut the door and walked out into the darkened streets.

* * *

Yuichi couldn't seem to keep himself still within Mizuho's apartment. In his hurry to leave for the United States he had managed to leave his cell charger at home. Even if he had managed to remember it, he would have had to pick-up a converter to have it work in the U.S. outlets in Mizuho's apartment. And since arriving in New York, he had been a grand total of two places, the hospital, and this apartment. Well, three, if you count the pit-stop he made at a local shop one day while Mizuho was asleep, under the influence of heavy pain killers. Even now the treasured memento sat in a small box in his pocket. But she didn't need to know about that anyway.

But now Mizuho had finally begun to recover without need of pain killers, and had insisted upon all his time. He had only been able to contact Wataru three days ago, to let him know he was sending him a letter detailing why he was going to be remaining in the United States. It should have arrived at least a day or two ago, but he had heard no word from Wataru.

_Not that it is his fault,_ Yuichi mused to himself. Yuichi had somehow managed to be completely out of contact. The last phone call he had made to Wataru had been made from his cell phone with the last of its battery power. Mizuho, for some unknown reason, had no phone line or internet connection in her apartment (_"I use them at work," _had been her excuse when he questioned her), and since the pain killers were no longer keeping her asleep, she was demanding his attention every second. Still, Yuichi longed to hear his voice, or even just see a good night text from him on his now dead phone. Mostly though, he wanted to know Wataru's response.

"I haven't seen you in so long," Mizuho interrupted his thoughts, grinning broadly. "We must spend every waking minute together!" Mizuho's teasing told Yuichi just how obviously elated she was with Yuichi's return to her. And, though he hated to admit it, he was glad Wataru had insisted he come. Mizuho and Yuichi had not parted on the best of terms, and he was glad that they were able to salvage their friendship.

Still, there was something about her attitude that Yuichi could not uncover. It was like she was trying to completely monopolize his time, to keep him entirely to herself. It had never been like Mizuho to be selfish. She had always been the simple, self-sacrificing kind. Even when shocked with his arrival at the hospital, she had seemed concern only for him and his trip from Japan, which seemed unusually reckless for the "honor student" personality of Yuichi.

"Yuichi-kun, you seem distracted," Mizuho purred as she took a place next to him on the elegant sofa. The pillow and blankets he had been using to sleep on had already been neatly folded and left to one side of the sofa.

"Sorry, Mizuho, I guess my mind is just wandering today." He realized then that his honor student persona had started to crack under the pressure of the previous few days. His attention to Mizuho in her hour of need had been waning. He must try harder to convince her that he was glad to see her.

"It is entirely unlike you to lose focus, Yuichi-kun. Even as a kid you were always so wonderful and proper and ready for anything." She smiled wickedly. "This doesn't have anything to do with that letter you sent, does it?" Yuichi's eyes widened in surprise at her remark.

"W-What letter?" Yuichi stammered, completely losing control of the nervousness in his voice. _If she saw the letter, then maybe she knows._ It was one thing for Touko or Karin or even Shohei and Asaka to know about his affair with Wataru. It was quite another for Mizuho, his first love, to know he had moved on, even more so because he had chosen a younger man for a partner. Especially when she had been increasingly flirtatious the past couple of days.

"_Yuichi, you needn't sleep on the couch,"_ _she had purred on his first night in the apartment. "Come climb in bed with me." _

That sweet smirk said that she had every desire to finish what they had started the night Yuichi's parents had caught them together and ended their relationship. But he wouldn't, COULDN'T do that now. His heart had been stolen by the boy with the deep dark eyes and the beautiful smile. And every minute he wanted more and more to be back at home with Wataru safe in his arms.

"I thought so," Mizuho continued, reading Yuichi's expression. Never before had she been so able to read his face. She liked it. Whatever this Wataru person had done to him had changed him, for the better it seemed. At least it made her life more interesting. "You know, Yuichi-kun, I understand that I set the bar pretty high in regards to your love life, but to turn to MEN for relationships? That's pretty harsh." Her eyes mirrored her wicked grin.

Yuichi hardened against the statement. After taking a few quick breaths to steady himself, he asked honestly, "How did you find out about the letter?"

She sighed. An interesting register of emotions clouded her eyes. Amusement, for sure, but also something that hinted of sadness, even betrayal. "You know, when you didn't respond to my postcard I assumed that you had forgotten all about me. Then, here you are, magically arriving in New York just in time to see me into surgery. I was so happy! My Yuichi had returned to me…" Her eyes faltered. "But something wasn't right. You had changed. You kept sneaking out of the hospital room to make cell calls. And I know you went out for a good little while one day while I was in bed asleep. I woke up to find you gone. I nearly panicked, but the drugs kicked back in and put me back to sleep. By the time I woke up you were back. But then the other night…"

"…"

"You seemed incredibly tense, nervous even. I saw you leave the light on in the living room until incredibly late. The next morning, while you were still sleeping…" Yuichi grimaced at the idea of anyone other than Wataru seeing his sleeping face. He didn't even REALLY like Wataru himself to see it. "…The letter you had written was still sitting on the coffee table." At this line she fidgeted just a little. "…So I used a blow dryer to open it and read it. I am really sorry I invaded your privacy, but I had to know the source of the change, and I thought reading the letter would help. For that I am sorry. I resealed the letter and replaced it before you woke up."

Yuichi sighed. "So you know then…" His heart was racing, even aching, in his chest. He realized how lonely he had been the past couple of days without Wataru, and without even anyone to talk to about him. Then he thought…What else had he written in that letter? His eyes got even wider. "You read the whole thing?"

"…Yes…" At this she looked down towards the carpet. Yuichi guessed that she was trying to look remorseful, but when she snapped her head back up and locked eyes with his he could see only fire and determination in her eyes. "But I'm afraid I did something even worse…"

Yuichi blinked. "What do you mean?" The nervousness crept back into his voice.

Mizuho stood and started walking into the kitchen. "I've thought long and hard about it the past couple of days, and I have no right to try to take away something precious from you, so I should feel sorry. But you know, I was hoping when you returned that we could pick up where we left off. I never really stopped loving you Yuichi." Even though the confession was no surprise to Yuichi, he still grimaced slightly at the words. "So I did what any woman crazy with passion might do…I tried to sabotage my rival in love."

"…What do you mean sabotage?" At those words she withdrew a single piece of paper from underneath the utensils in a kitchen drawer. Yuichi looked confused for a moment. Then he realized what the sheet of paper was. His eyes grew wide as his heart began to race. He was sincerely about to panic.

"…Mizuho…If this does not resolve easily, you will most certainly not hear from me again." He stood up, quickly threw his things into his overnight bag—including the sheet of paper, which he snatched deftly from Mizuho's hand—and headed out the door.

"Where are you going, Yuichi-kun?"

"Where does it look like I'm going? I'm going to find a phone so I can call Wataru, and I am taking the next flight home…" With that, he slammed the door shut. He didn't even tell Mizuho farewell.

* * *

Wataru glanced around the empty apartment. Spotless as always. Yuichi always kept things neat and organized. Until Wataru got home that is.

_Home_, he thought to himself. _But I suppose this isn't my home any longer_. Traces of Wataru's presence in Yuichi's life were everywhere. The spare clothes in the closet, his favorite junky cereal in the cupboard, even the spare toothbrush sitting on the bathroom sink. _He may choose to erase me from his heart, but I am the one who will have to erase myself from this place_. He heard his cell phone buzzing. An unknown number. He was in no mood to answer a telemarketer at this hour. He had work to do. Yuichi had made his decision. Now Wataru had made his own, and he would not change his mind.

* * *

"Karin? It's Kazuki…"

The voice on the other end of the line was surprised to hear from Kazuki, especially this late in the evening. "Kazuki-san? What time is it? You are very lucky our parents are out of town tonight, because if you had called this late they would flip."

"Sorry, sorry…" Yuichi stammered quickly. "Is Wataru there? I tried his cell first but I think he rejected the call. I'm calling from a payphone at the airport."

"Oh, that explains why the caller ID didn't say who it was…" Karin seemed to be forcing the lingering drowsiness out of her voice, but Yuichi knew his voice was unexpected, at least, so he couldn't blame her for the hint of irritation—or was that worry? "But, Kazuki, if you don't mind…Why are you looking for Wataru in the first place? If that letter was any indication…"

"IT'S A MISUNDERSTANDING!" Yuichi yelled into the phone, cutting Karin off. "Listen, I can't explain now, my plane is going to board soon, and I just need to find him."

"…Kazuki-san, I don't know where Wataru-chan is…" Yuichi's heart seemed to stop in his chest. "He's disappeared again. He is not at Kawamura's, and Touko hasn't heard from him. I even tried calling your apartment, but no one answered and your voicemail was full."

_This is getting more and more worrisome_. Yuichi felt a mild stab of panic beginning in his stomach and rapidly reaching his heart. "Karin, my plane is boarding now. I should be home by this time tomorrow. Please, just do what you can to find Wataru."

* * *

Over 24 hours had passed since Wataru had begun his work. He had carefully gone through every inch of the apartment and removed all traces of his presence. What he hadn't thrown away he had placed in a small cardboard box. Wataru was quite surprised no one had found him yet. Karin certainly must have been looking, although since she knew how hurt he had been it wouldn't surprise her that he would sneak off by himself for a while. He even thought he had heard Karin knocking on the door at one point, but he had been drowsy and sleeping lazily in Yuichi's bed and assumed it was a dream. No matter. She wasn't going to stop him anyway. He didn't know who else he expected. It was quite clear Yuichi would not be back for quite sometime. And by the time anyone really discovered where he had gone his plan would be completed.

Wataru surprised himself by his own calm. This was the ultimate revenge, in a lot of ways. He would make Yuichi hurt the way he had hurt him. He would abandon him, completely. And nothing he could do would win him back.

He delicately laid the cardboard box of items on Yuichi's bed. He had spent several hours trying to write an appropriate note to accompany it, but settled with something simple. _"Please return this to Karin. I will not be needing it anymore."_

He decided to curl up in Yuichi's bed one more time. "Kazuki…" he whispered longingly to the man who was no longer there. He clutched at the sheets and allowed tears to fall one last time. "Why, Kazuki?" He didn't care what people thought of them. It didn't matter if the whole world turned against them. He would have taken on the whole world. If it meant abandoning his family, his friends, and everything he had ever known, he would have done it. Just to hold onto him, to hold onto that familiar scent that even now drifted from the sheets into Wataru's memory. He would have happily died in that warm embrace. Now he would not have a chance. "I would have gone anywhere with you. And I won't go anywhere without you." For the next few hours, Wataru would only clutch at the empty sheets and cry.

It was after midnight when Wataru decided it was time to move on. He dried his eyes, straightened the sheets and headed to the closet. His own clothes had been removed and packed into the cardboard box. He reached up and grabbed one of Yuichi's shirts. It was one he had worn to Okinawa on their one vacation together. Though the trip had not gone exactly as planned, it still held fond memories for Wataru of lazy mornings, rainy beaches, and passionate nights. He held the shirt to his face for a moment and inhaled Yuichi's scent, still lingering on the garment. He discarded his own clothes on the floor and pulled the shirt on. It was several sizes too big for Wataru, hanging dreadfully over his tiny frame, but he remembered the way it had gently accentuated Yuichi's beautiful form. Even now he smiled at the thought.

His own clothes forgotten, Wataru made his way into the restroom. He turned on the bathtub faucet, allowing it to fill with hot water, almost to the point of scalding. With the water still flowing Wataru climbed in, soaking the shirt and relaxing his every exhausted muscle. The water level continued to rise, eventually overflowing onto the cool linoleum floor. Wataru then looked beside him on the bathtub's edge. Three shiny silver objects. Two of them were the fated rings, sitting side by side. Though their owners may never meet again, Wataru felt the two rings belonged to each other. He just wanted to keep them near him, their scratches indicative of their love and experience together. The third object was newer. It was not any piece of jewelry, but the way it sparkled in the light made it seem beautiful, in a morbid sort of way. This was what would break his bond from Yuichi. It would set him free of the hurt and misery of being alone.

With a last bit of resolve, Wataru lifted the newfound friend and allowed it to do his work. The pain in his wrist was sudden and sharp, but not unbearable. Pain, in this case, was relative. He winced slightly but then rested himself in the water, finding a sort of beauty in watching Yuichi's shirt go from light blue (_which always made his eyes sparkle)_ to a light red. His eyelids became heavy, and he began to drift off to sleep. He would swear he could smell the sweet scent of hydrangeas blooming in the distance.

* * *

"Can't this cab go any faster?" Yuichi asked the driver, irritated at their progress. It was after midnight, the drive from the airport should NOT have taken this long.

"It's been a long day!" the driver snapped back. "You want to arrive home safely, yes?" Yuichi silently fumed. He had called Karin from the airport. She had not been able to successfully locate Wataru. She had even gone to Yuichi's apartment to see if he had gone there. She could have sworn she heard someone stirring in the room, but if so he never answered the door. Somehow Yuichi suspected that's where he was now.

_I will just explain to him plainly the misunderstanding, and hope for the best_. Wataru could be jumpy when it came to his conclusions sometimes, but Yuichi also hoped his knack for forgiveness would make their reunion a little easier. He still couldn't BELIEVE what Mizuho had done. Yuichi held in his hand the second page of the letter. She had removed it when she had read its contents, thinking it "too inappropriate" to read in a letter. She didn't understand that Yuichi HAD to write the letter. He would lose his nerve if he had to do it in person. Now it seemed maybe it was appropriate for him to do both. He reached into his pocket and felt for the box he had placed there the day before. He found comfort in its presence, but he would not feel at ease until he saw Wataru's face again.

Yuichi remembered distinctly how the first page of the letter had ended: _No matter our feelings for one another, we will never be understood, especially as it is now. It will create a truly unpleasant thing for us should we continue as we are._

_That is why I am enclosing the ring. My thoughts have led me to only one conclusion. I am sending you this as a consolation, and hoping that you can understand._

He had saved the next bit for a second page, thinking it would increase the drama. Yuichi was no good at love letters it seemed. Now he realized how ambiguous that first page alone may have seemed. Maybe Wataru had thought nothing of it, since his signature had been on the second page. Maybe he was smarter than Yuichi gave him credit for and he was more upset over not being able to talk it out than about what the letter seemed to say. He only knew from the aching in his heart that he could NOT leave the matter unresolved until he had gotten home. He couldn't even stand being in the same room as Mizuho right now anyway, so it was better for him to have left. She was a grown woman, eight years older than him, and she was recovering nicely. She could take care of herself.

It was almost 1 am when the taxi finally arrived at the apartment. As Yuichi approached the door he was relieved to see that every light in the place seemed to be burning. _So he came home_, Yuichi thought happily. _Although he could at least try to save a little electricity. _Yuichi's irritation was mild at best, though. At least now they could have their heated argument, make up, and then wake up tomorrow morning in each other's arms. Yuichi couldn't help but smile a gentle smile at the thought. He carefully unlocked the door and stepped inside the apartment.

"Wataru?" he called into the empty entryway. He heard no response, though he did hear the sound of running water in the bathroom. He knew he shouldn't disturb Wataru if he was bathing, but Yuichi couldn't help it. Better to see his embarrassed and angry face than to have to wait to see it at all. He was surprised as he walked in that direction that the bathroom door was open. He noticed a small cardboard box on the bed. Ignoring it for the moment, he continued towards the restroom. He gently knocked on the door before peeking into the room. "Wataru?" he asked cautiously.

The sight that greeted him immediately made Yuichi's blood run cold. The bathtub had obviously been overflowing for sometime, the water reaching Yuichi's leather shoes. But it wasn't the water that upset Yuichi…it was the color…It wasn't clear…It ran light red, like….

"Wataru?!" Yuichi leapt dropped to his knees and retrieved the unconscious boy from the now cold water, laying him gently on the bathroom floor. His color was pale, almost blue. He was wearing one of Yuichi's shirts, which was clinging to the cool skin and making Wataru's thin body seem even smaller than usual. It was then that Yuichi noticed the cuts running down Wataru's arms. Small red rivers continued to flow down the arms, very slowly, as if all the life force it had contained had almost been drained away. Yuichi froze, awestruck. It must have been a full minute before he was able to breathe again.

_Focus, focus, focus dammit! _He thought desperately to himself. He knew he had to do something, but what? He laid his head against the unmoving chest. He relaxed slightly to hear a slow but shakily present heartbeat. He grabbed the spare towel hanging on the rack beside him and quickly tore it into strips, tightly wrapping the boy's wounds, praying that he hadn't bled too much already. That's when he realized that the younger boy had stopped breathing.

"Wataru," he sobbed, desperately calling to him, wishing for any sort of response. When none came he filled his own lungs with air before pressing his lips against his lover's. "Come back to me, Wataru" he whispered, sobbing through the effort to fill the boy's lungs with life-giving air. He repeated the process twice, three times, before Wataru finally started breathing on his own. The breaths were slow and shallow, but they were there nonetheless. Yuichi ran into the bedroom and grabbed the telephone, calling for an ambulance immediately.

On his way back to the bathroom, he realized there was a note sitting next to the cardboard box on the bed. _"Please return this to Karin. I will not be needing it anymore."_ Yuichi's nerves in the past several minutes had gone from irritated to completely frayed. He gently cradled Wataru, still unmoving in his arms. He could no longer hold back his tears.

"Why, Wataru? Why would you abandon me?" He held the boy, sobbing in sync with Wataru's shallow breathing, until the ambulance arrived.

* * *

"Karin…" Yuichi's bloodshot eyes glanced upward at the face now towering over him. He had never seen quite that look in the young girl's eyes. Like Wataru, her eyes had a tendency to give away her every thought and emotion. Now as he looked into them he saw a combination of things: anger, jealousy, fear, intense sadness. In fact, they looked a lot like Wataru's before the last time he had…

_SLAP!_ Karin's power had quite literally nearly knocked Yuichi out of the plastic chair in which he was sitting. Yuichi was still reeling in shock at the sudden violent display when Karin spoke. Well, screamed would have been more appropriate. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Her face was becoming more and more tinted red with every passing second. "You didn't even have the common decency to come home and face him to break his heart! And now he's…he's…" At that thought she dropped to the ground on her knees.

Yuichi swallowed hard…He was completely unable to retaliate. He was so completely lost and confused, both at why Wataru would do something so foolish and selfish, and at Karin's words. Was she saying that Wataru, Yuichi's whole life, was…

After a few moments Karin regained her bearings and once again stood. "Although I suppose I should thank you for finding him. At least now maybe he has a chance."

Yuichi's eyes brightened at the words. He had to swallow a sob before saying "So he's…okay?"

Karin's entire complexion changed from anger to sadness. "We don't know yet…Kazuki-san, they don't know how long he wasn't breathing before you found him. They are worried that permanent damage might have been done. They won't know for sure until he wakes up, assuming that he ever does…"

Yuichi's heart raced as a certain dizziness took him over. And he decided right then and there that it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He had foolishly left his beloved alone. He would never do that again.

"Karin…will you take me to him?" Karin narrowed her eyes in his direction. She intently sought what the young man was thinking before answering. She sighed.

"Kazuki-san, I don't know what you were thinking or why you chose to do what you did. But you brought tremendous heartache on my brother. My parents are here now, and I can't even tell them why their precious son, who had been so happy only four days ago, would do this to himself. Do you have any idea how lost and alone his family is feeling right now? My suggestion to you, Kazuki-san, is to go home. He has people who love him here. No matter how much you may wish to be, you are not his family. And you have now lost any right to be." Her mind having been spoken, she walked down the white corridor to go hold vigil at her brother's bedside.

Yuichi's heart fell to the pit of his stomach where it shattered into thousands of tiny pieces. Little did he know he was now experiencing what his beloved had felt: complete abandonment.

* * *

Yuichi's body tried to make him sleep, but his mind could not stop racing. The images that flashed before his eyes would not stop. The hydrangeas in full bloom under a light rain. Walking side by side down a wet abandoned beach. Waking up and watching those deep dark eyes flutter open. Then there was that one image that made his heart weep until the point of death. The image of a pale tiny body being placed on a stretcher and wheeled away. The medical personnel had not allowed him to follow. Even now they would not let him see the boy. "Immediate family only," they would say and then encourage him to go home and wait for news that he had been moved to an ordinary room, where his "friends" might be able to visit him.

…_I AM his family_, he had thought to himself multiple times over the past week. Regardless of what anyone thought, they WERE family. Even Karin, who had always been his ally in such times, seemed to have abandoned him. Yuichi hadn't left the hospital since they'd arrived. He would hide himself whenever Wataru's parents were around, but he bothered Karin for news every chance she got. She was cordial enough, but it was obvious she would not easily forgive him.

He also knew, at least for now, that it was going to be impossible for him to sneak in to see him. Karin wouldn't even help him by lying about his identity. If he was a brother, or even a girlfriend, he might be able to be by his side now, holding his hand, encouraging him to get better, to wake up, to show any signs at all that Wataru was, in fact, still there.

Even now, the thought of what Wataru's death would mean to him now was slowly killing him. It would mean no reconciliation, no future, and even worse for Yuichi, it meant that his last image of Wataru that he would ever have alive was of that pale cold body being taken away from him. His last memory of holding him would be of the feel of cool wet skin and shallow breathing. Those thoughts plagued him more than he could have imagined.

_Hate me forever if you like,_ Yuichi thought as tears resurfaced in his eyes, _Just please wake up…Please, just let him wake up…I just ask for one more time._ Exhaustion set in, and Yuichi wandered to the downstairs waiting room and fell asleep.

* * *

_I need…no one but you, Kazuki…_

_Kazuki…I love you…_

_I love you, too…_

Thousands of images floated through Wataru's mind, like bits and pieces of a puzzle all placed out of order. A park of hydrangeas absorbing a light rain. A worn-out old coffee shop with the little old couple hustling behind the counter. The awkwardness of a first love-making. The sight of a blonde-haired gentleman gently waking from sleep before showing his agitation at being watched. They were images of a happy life. Then, a familiar voice whispering a single phrase…_Come back to me, Wataru…_Then a warmth surrounded him and he was floating. The images then faded back to black.

After what felt like an eternity, Wataru opened his eyes. His body faced an assault of a thousand sensations. The frigid, sterile air, the blinding white light, the steady slow beat of a monitor, the dull throbbing coming from his arms. It didn't take long to figure out he was in a hospital.

_Dammit!_ his angry heart screamed from within him. His one chance at peace, his one way of escaping a life without those happy moments, had been stolen away from him. His attempt had failed, and his parents and sister would be sure to see he never had another chance. _My one chance to stay with you in my heartbroken memories alone, it's been taken away from me._

Wataru glanced at the nearest window. Pitch darkness met his eyes. It must have been in the middle of the night. He attempted to sit up, only to fall hopelessly down again. He had no strength in his arms, which were heavily wrapped in sterile bandages. Mostly though he just felt light-headed, like he was floating.

"So you're finally awake, Fujii-san! What a relief!" A not-so-unattractive nurse shuffled to his bedside. When he made no verbal response she gently started asking questions. "Fujii-san, can you hear me? Do you know where you are? Do you remember what happened?"

"I am in a hospital, yes? And all I can remember now is that it didn't work…" He slumped back down into his pillow. The nurse gave him an expression that said she wanted to be able to pity him. He did not fault her for having to fake sympathy. She must deal with things like this everyday.

"Oh, good, you can talk! That means any permanent damage is probably minimal! I am sure you will be just fine now." With a big grin she ran to fetch a doctor. He was glad to see her leave the room, as her chipperness was starting to thoroughly agitate him. After a few pokes and prods and questions, the doctor finally grew bored with Wataru. Another life saved he must have thought. _What life?_ Wataru couldn't help but ask himself. _Yuichi WAS my life, and if he is gone…_

"Ah, Fujii-san! I'm glad you've come back! Young Fujii has just woken up. You may see him for a few minutes, but then he must get some more rest! He needs no more excitement tonight." The chipper nurse had just walked in and seen a figure enter the critical unit.

_Great, _Wataru grimaced. _Now my father will want to come and talk about what happened. What will I say to him…_

"Wataru?" Chills ran up and down his spine. That was not his father's voice. It had to be…

"…Kazuki?" Wataru turned his head to try to see the owner of the voice, but before he could do much he was enveloped in a fast embrace.

"SHHHH!" The older man quickly hushed Wataru. "Don't call me that…If they realize I am not your brother they will make me leave. I even had to wait 'til the nurses changed shifts because Karin told the other nurses not to let me see you. And being in the critical unit, they wouldn't let anyone who wasn't family come in." Yuichi slowly withdrew his embrace and knelt next to the bed, pulling himself as close to Wataru as the numerous cables, IVs, and bandages would allow.

_Family_, Wataru thought. _Why tonight does that word seem to hurt so badly?_

"What does it matter to you, Kazuki?" Wataru asked, unable and unwilling to meet Yuichi's eyes, his voice full of bitterness and hurt. "You seemed to be able to drop me easily enough before. Why not just continue your new life with Mizuho-san? I am sure it would be much more comfortable to you. Then you could have a normal family with a normal wife and normal children and a normal dog. And you would not need me to get in the way."

Yuichi could not help but widen his eyes at that statement. It took him a moment to speak, but when he did, it was laced with what Wataru perceived to be a strange array of emotions. Sadness, grief, confusion, but mostly disappointment. "How could you ever think that kind of life is what I want?" With that Wataru finally met Yuichi's eyes and distinctly saw something he hadn't really experienced before. Tears were flowing down Yuichi's face, and he was making no effort to contain them. "Wataru, I have spent the last week sneaking around this hospital, bugging Karin to no end, even though she wants nothing more than for me to disappear right now, and all because I was praying that, if you woke up, I might get to see you first."

Wataru widened his eyes in surprise. "I've been out for a whole week?" He finally gave Yuichi a solid glance, and he no longer doubted the words. Yuichi was definitely thinner, bloodshot, and his clothes looked like they had never seen the laundry room. He even saw what he thought was blood splattered on the jeans and button-up shirt. Yuichi must not have even changed since that night. Then a realization hit Wataru. "You were the one who found me? But…I thought you were staying in the United States a while longer?"

"I was," Yuichi sighed. "But I was incredibly nervous about your response to my letter…Especially after Mizuho-san had told me…"

Wataru's eyes grew angry at the mention of the letter. "Yes, your precious Mizuho. The one whom you could not reject when she needed her little Kazuki to stay a while. The one who was so precious to you that you would choose to remove yourself from my life to be with her…" Now it was Wataru whose eyes were filling with tears.

"Wataru," Yuichi answered in surprise. "You're an idiot…" With those words he leaned in and placed the most gentle kiss on Wataru's lips that he had ever experienced. Almost like Yuichi was afraid he might break. "The reason I sent you that letter was not to break-up with you." With those words he pulled a carefully folded sheet of paper from his pocket. Wataru noticed that it was written on the same stationary as the letter he had spent three days reading thousands of times.

"What is that?" Wataru asked. The boy was genuinely confused.

"It's the second page." Wataru blinked. There was a second page to the letter? That certainly would explain why Yuichi had not signed his name. "I know the wording of the first page of the letter seemed somewhat vague, but the most important part of the letter you never got." Wataru was now confused. If the letter was not a break-up letter, then what was it?

"Why don't you read it?" Yuichi's hands were shaking as he handed the page to Wataru. Wataru could see that Yuichi was CLEARLY nervous about something, which made Wataru's heart race again. The monitor beside them betrayed his anxiety. Yuichi brushed it away by gently squeezing Wataru's fingertips. "I don't mean to make you anxious again, not after all the worry this has caused you. It is definitely not good for you to get excited now. But I am a little nervous. This is the part that I really wanted you to read."

Wataru stared at the paper for a few moments before gently opening it and beginning to decipher the remainder of the letter. The crystal clear clarity of the characters proved to Wataru that it indeed had been part of the same letter.

_The rings we now wear symbolize a great many things to us. They are sparkling reminders of how we met, of the love we have shared, and of the trials we have faced. They represent our handicapped happiness. They also represent a great source of fear. Our love is always hidden from public view and known only to those close to us. It is our greatest, most treasured secret._

_But the few days I spent at Mizuho's bedside in the hospital taught me something. Everywhere I went people assumed I was at least her brother, if not her lover. So they would usher me in to where she was waiting without a second thought. By simple virtue of her being a woman, I was treated as a member of her family. And I got to thinking, if this were Wataru, would they be so kind? Or would they make me wait outside and worry?_

At that moment Yuichi's eyes filled with tears again. He truly did not foresee being in this situation when his lover read his heartfelt letter, and it strengthened his resolve for what came next.

_Wataru, I am tired of hiding. I don't care what the world thinks of us. I don't know how long our happiness could possibly last. Tomorrow may be our last day together, or we may have decades ahead of us. All I know is the thought of coming home to someplace where you are not there is unacceptable to me. I would rather die than live my life without you._

At that point Wataru's own tears could no longer be stopped. He knew exactly how Yuichi felt. He had been there, and had tried to end it all simply because he thought Yuichi might not ever come home to him again. And now he felt sluggish and foolish and…incredibly happy. Yuichi had come home to him.

_So hold on to this ring until I return. It is a symbol of our old life together, as secret lovers and friends. When I return I want to start a new life with you. I want you to be my family. I can only pray you will say yes…You have turned me into a crazy man…_

_Yours always,_

_Yuichi_

Wataru gazed at the letter with love and adoration. Not only had Yuichi come home to him, but he'd let him know that he always would. As the tears continued flowing Wataru couldn't help but grin.

Wataru flashed his smile at Yuichi, who was still kneeling next to the bed. Through the tear-filled eyes Wataru could see he had placed some sort of box on the bed next to Wataru's hand. Yuichi reached up to Wataru's face and gently brushed away the tears, caressing the boy's face as he did so. Using his free hand he picked up the box and presented it to Wataru. Wataru noticed as he took the box from Yuichi's hand how his lover's hand shook. Wataru realized his hands were shaking, too. From excitement or anticipation Wataru did not know.

He opened the box to the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. A new pair of rings! They sparkled in the hospital lighting. They were of a simple design, solid gold with a thin circle of silver running through the middle. Each one contained a single tiny diamond, and on the insides were inscribed the phase "Finding eternity in the end…"

"So what is your answer?" Yuichi asked, his voice still shaking.

Wataru felt as if his heart had just learned how to dance. If he hadn't been tied to the bed by all the cords and cables he would have leapt into Yuichi's arms. He settled for jumping into a sitting position and pulling Yuichi down with him onto the bed.

Not wanting to risk reopening Wataru's wounds, Yuichi carefully wrapped his arms around his lover's slight body. The two boys pulled one another into the tightest embrace that either could manage.

"Yuichi, where you go is the only place I want to be. You ARE my family." Yuichi smiled through all the tears.

Still not wanting to sever the embrace, Yuichi whispered back, "You've never called me 'Yuichi' before…Never call me anything else again. You are my life, Wataru. It is empty without you. If you had truly abandoned me…" The man began sobbing on Wataru's shoulder, and strangely Wataru found himself comforting his usually proud lover.

"I tried to abandon you once," Wataru's soothing voice sweetly hummed to his partner. "And I will be forever sorry. I will never do it again." The boys finally broke the embrace, and Yuichi removed one ring from the box and slipped it onto Wataru's ring finger. Enjoying the sensation of the cool metal, Wataru took the other ring, and with the little mobility he had left in his hands, slipped it onto Yuichi's ring finger.

"Starting today," Yuichi finally said, "I don't care what others think, and I certainly don't care what they say. You are my life. You are my love, and I am proud of you. I will never take this ring off again."

Wataru, truly touched by the sentiment, nodded. Having fallen back into the comfort of the warm bed, Wataru gazed into the eyes of his beloved. He smiled.

Yuichi returned the gesture. "Damn you," he whispered, grinning all the while. "I think I just fell in love with you again." With that he leaned into Wataru's drowsy face and touched their lips together. The kiss that flowed was warm and comfortable, not without passion, but without fear. Both boys felt the tension in their bodies loosen and their strength giving way. Being careful not to destroy the sets of wires still attached to Wataru's tiny frame, Yuichi hesitantly crawled into the tiny bed next to him. He draped his arm across Wataru's chest and pulled him close. "Don't make me afraid of sleeping without you ever again." Wataru drowsily nodded before drifting off back to sleep. "I love you, Wataru." His heart aching with satisfaction, Yuichi soon fell asleep with the boy in his arms.

Quietly watching over them by peeking around the paper curtain concealing the lovers from prying eyes, Karin slipped into a chair at the far end of the make-shift room. The nurses would want to know why the two "brothers" had fallen asleep in such a compromising position, especially when they were sure to try to kick both Kazuki and herself out in the next few minutes. Karin would argue that maybe it would be best to let the two sleep there until morning. Then they could explain themselves as they saw fit. _ I can't wait to see what will happen now…_

* * *

Wataru still felt an arm draped around him when he awoke to the light of the sun coming through the hospital windows. He slowly turned his head to face his lover, who was beginning to stir beside him. When the ice blue eyes fluttered open, Wataru smiled. Focusing on his lover's deep dark eyes, Yuichi returned the smile. He pulled him closer and gently kissed his lips.

Karin cleared her throat from across the room. "Good morning, lovebirds," she teased. Wataru blushed, but Yuichi managed to keep his cool exterior.

"Karin…When did you get here?" Wataru asked, for the first time really feeling the deep aching that seemed to emanate from every portion of his body. If he weren't so incredibly happy, he probably would have cried. Kazuki…no, Yuichi…probably would tease him if he did though…

"Last night, just in time to get to watch you fall asleep." She smiled. "The nurses were very confused as to why my "brothers" had fallen asleep in each other's arms. They wanted Kazuki-san to leave, but I convinced them that maybe it would help Wataru-chan sleep better." She paused for a moment. "What you want to tell them is your concern. However…"

"Hm?" Wataru waited for his sister to continue.

"…our parents arrived back at the hospital this morning. And I am sure they are confused as to why both Wataru's sister and 'brother' stayed the night. The nurses won't let them in here until the two of us have left. They say too many people would bring too much excitement."

Yuichi looked obviously disappointed. But when Wataru looked into his eyes he saw no trace of fear. His own fears assuaged, he smiled.

"I suppose I have to go for now," Yuichi whispered. "But don't worry, I will be right outside the whole time. You just say the word and I'll be back in a flash. And when this is all over, we will go home."

_Home,_ Wataru thought. _Yes, that will be wonderful._ Yuichi leaned over and brushed Wataru's lips with his. He then walked out of the room.

Karin couldn't help but blush a little. Even though she had known about the boys' affair since the beginning, she had never seen them act like that in her presence. She was slightly jealous. And still confused as to the change.

"What will you tell our parents?" she asked. "I am afraid Kazuki-san is probably getting the third degree from them right now. They probably would have no idea why your friend would choose to stay the night, even more so that he lied about who he was to do it."

Wataru took a deep breath and sighed. "The truth…" Karin's eyes widened. Wataru met her gaze. He slowly lifted up his left ring finger to show her its new decoration.

"Wataru…is that…?" Karin became more confused with every passing minute. Wataru handed her the page he had fallen asleep holding. She quickly scanned the letter, her own eyes welling up. "He apologized?" Wataru's head dropped in shame.

"I was stupid, Karin." When he lifted his head again, Karin noticed something in his eyes. A sort of mature security. She was astounded. "I should have known it would be unlike Yuichi to end it with me just like that. He would have at least come back and faced me. He isn't a coward…I should have had more faith in him." He sighed sadly.

"But what does it mean? I still don't understand."

"Karin, I love him. I love him more than I thought it was possible to love. And he loves me. And regardless of what our parents or anyone else thinks of us, we are a family. And no amount of hiding would change that. So we decided, we would not hide anymore." The fierce determination in his eyes signaled to her that he would not back down. She had to admit it. She was impressed.

"I suppose I owe him an apology, then. Especially if he is really going to be my brother now!" She gave an excited wink and smile. Wataru couldn't help but grin back.

Unfortunately, the celebration would have to wait. At that moment, Wataru's mother came bolting through the door. She quickly enveloped Wataru in her embrace and lovingly planted kisses on his cheeks. "Oh, my dear little Wataru, you had us worried sick! Thank goodness you are okay!" The woman could not hide the raw emotion sneaking into her voice. When she separated from Wataru her eyes glistened in the light. "Karin, why don't you go out so your father can visit your brother?" Karin bowed politely and stepped out. Mrs. Fujii immediately turned to her son.

"So…tell me about him…" Mrs. Fujii's direct request caught Wataru off-guard. He swallowed hard before looking up at her. He did not see condemnation in her eyes, only confusion and hurt. "It's okay," she said softly to him, as if trying to comfort him. "We just spoke with Kazuki-san outside. We are not angry, just sad, confused, and mostly just hurt. You have been engaging in this affair behind our backs for over a year, and you were ashamed to tell us. Do you know how hard that is to hear? Maybe we would not have given our approval, that is true, but at least if we had known we might have been able to help you through your difficulties this past year. And poor Karin, having to shoulder so much responsibility being your ally…You have been truly unfair to all of us, Wataru…"

Wataru bowed his head in shame. "I have been unfair to Yuichi, too. All this mess could have been avoided if I had just been patient and awaited his explanation." He raised his eyes and met hers. "I am truly sorry. I know I have shattered your illusions of me as your dutiful son. But you must know that I love Yuichi with all my heart. It is my intention to live my life with him. I am not asking you to understand or even support it. Just to accept it and allow me to live my life as I choose." Wataru's mother was stunned with the conviction with which her son spoke. Unable to give a response, she just nodded. She looked down and noticed for the first time the ring on Wataru's finger. Her eyes widened a little bit, and she gave a small sigh. She lifted her eyes once more and gave her son a slight smile before squeezing his hand.

Just then Wataru's father stepped into the room. Wataru met his father's eyes and saw the huge amount of disappointment there. After several uncomfortable seconds, the elder Fujii finally spoke. "I was just listening to what you were saying to your mother. Wataru, I love you, and you are my son. I know enough about love to know that when it is true there is nothing that can stop it." Mr. Fujii looked to his wife and gave her a slight smile. "That is why I am saying this. You will always be welcome as a visitor in my house. But I cannot allow you to live such a life under my roof." At those words Wataru stiffened and began to feel slightly dizzy. He nodded and laid his head back down against the warm bed. "When you are discharged here, I think it might be best for you to pack your things. As Kazuki-san mentions, you seem to have already adjusted to living with him. Perhaps this is best for everyone." Mr. Fujii glanced over at his wife and nodded before leaving the room.

Mrs. Fujii gave Wataru's hand a reassuring squeeze before standing and walking to the room's exit. "Your father really does love you, you know," she concluded as she walked out of the room. "Just give us time Wataru…And if that beautiful ornament on your hand is any indication, maybe this situation will turn out to be best for you anyway." With that she pulled the curtain behind her and left.

* * *

"So I guess it's done," Wataru said from his new hospital room. They had finally deemed him well enough to return to a normal room, but they still kept a tight check on him, just in case he decided to make another attempt. They were also forcing him to talk to a counselor once a day, which, as inconveniencing as it was, had helped him tremendously to recover from secret doubts and hurts he didn't even know he had. If he could manage to keep well today, they would discharge him in the morning, and he could go home.

_Home_, he thought. _I suppose my parents' house will never be home for me again._ The thought saddened him, but at the same time he was excited. He was about to begin his new life in his new home. He could hardly wait.

"Yes, Karin helped me to pack up all your things at your parents' house, and we've carried it all to the apartment. We haven't unpacked it yet though. I thought the two of us could do it together when they let you come home." Yuichi said all those things with an incomparably bright smile. The past few days had been wonderful for him. As Wataru was back in a normal room now, they were allowing Yuichi to come visit any time he wished. The rather sly nurse in the front had even had a cot brought into the room so that Yuichi could sleep over. Of course, Yuichi hadn't been using it, but had been sleeping close to Wataru every night since. Wataru's parents, unfortunately, had not returned.

"Why, Yuichi? You know you could have put things just about anywhere and I'd be happy. Besides, my arms aren't fully healed, so I don't know how much help I can be anyway." Yuichi crossed the room and sat on the end of the bed, gently squeezing Wataru's hand. The rings made a beautiful sound as they gently clinked against one another. It was not the familiar sound the young men had grown accustomed to, but it was sweet because of its meaning. Their lives together were just beginning. The memories they had until now were nothing compared to the memories they had yet to make.

"Because…" Yuichi hesitated for a moment, looking for the right words. It was so important to him that he said this correctly. "…Up until this point, even though you stayed over every chance you got, this apartment had always been mine. There were traces of you everywhere—which you of course tried to get rid of—" He emphasized the last comment by sloppily mussing Wataru's hair. Yuichi's teasing was not ill-natured, but full of relief and playfulness. "But it wasn't YOUR home. Wataru, this isn't as simple as just going back to the way things were. I want this home to be OURS. So I want us to do it together. And without the memories of this whole mess." Unknown to Wataru, Yuichi had spent most of the previous day re-arranging furniture, not to mention scrubbing down the bathroom, anything to get rid of the sight that he had come upon a few weeks ago. Although he wanted to push all those memories to the back of his mind and forget them, he decided that they were important. He needed to be reminded of how important Wataru was to him. After this latest battle he never wanted to take him for granted.

Wataru's heart danced happily. He clumsily lifted his free arm and set it on Yuichi's cheek. "I love you, Yuichi…" Yuichi beamed at the sound of his given name. After a year and a half together, Wataru had finally learned how to trust him.

"I love you, Wataru…" With that, the boys sealed their hearts with a kiss. Tomorrow life would start anew. And regardless of the trials they would face, they were unafraid, because they knew they would face them together.


End file.
